FUTURCISE! AN INFOMERCIAL (From the Archive)
A Dramatic Moment from TOTAL IMPACT Vol. 2 Issue 1 originally published in January 1994
Clinton’s in the White House, Michael Jackson’s in rehab, and Superman’s dead. Happy New Year! We’re only seven years away from the rest of our lives and, boy - is the world ever unhappy! Here at Roverco Unindustrial Neganecessary Promotional Extravagances, we feel that we have the absolute transient product of tomorrow today. Are you reaching for the phone yet? Well, DON’T! There’s not a moment to lose, so please listen for just a moment.
Not since the stainless-wax imitation yak hair rundu femur massage with retractable napkinettes have we suggested - nay, DARED - to offer you such a necessary and fleeting semi-fine product. Our tax-exempt post office box is constantly flooded with requests for another contraption that will aide in the beautification of one’s appearance. At the same time, we realize that the sole purpose individuals have “let themselves go” in the first place is due to the status of our society at this very moment!
How do we throw out more than the bathwater? How, how, HOW?! Hyperbole, hyperbole, HYPERBOLE?! Introducing - the ROVERCO AX-39 EXERCISE BIKE TIME MACHINE!
Never again must you suffer the embarrassment of excess cellulite in the midst of the hyper-health-conscious twentieth century. Now, you can pedal your way to a slimmer, trimmer you - or travel to a time where your unsightly blemishes were more acceptable, and - in some cases- considered attractive!
Here’s how the EBTM works:
1. Set a date in time and hop on. Feel the flab and the years melt away as you cycle on to better tomorrows that also happen to be yesterdays.
2. Been trying to put on more muscle? Just pedal backwards and put back what you’ve previously lost! Just imagine the famed poet Wolfram von Eschenbach admiring your hamstrings as he pens the final refrains to “Parzival.” Who knows? Your favorite sonnet might be about YOU!
3. Missed your favorite soaps? Hook the EBTM up to the tube and GO-GO-GO to your favorite SHOW-SHOW-SHOW!
Why, the possibilities are endless! Adventure yourself into lost history lessons or move forward into another millennium where they can exchange that diabetes-ridden kidney for an iKidney that features your favorite playlists. Go far enough into the future and perhaps even you can contrive a simple illegitimate selling device that will make millions of dollars from unsuspecting consumers like yourself.
We know that life today is nowhere near what you had hoped it would be - so, by golly, you deserve a choice. Take the reins and do something productive with your life: escape!
The Roverco AX-39 Exercise Bike Time Machine. Because who you are doesn’t depend on where you are - it depends on how much you weigh when you get there.
TODAY’S HIDDEN MORAL: Wishing for a better future does not change it. Change doesn’t necessarily alter who we really are. Who we are is changed by Christ in our lives. Christ in our lives is a daily choice.
Next: “29” A Dramatic Moment from TOTAL IMPACT Vol. 2 Issue 2 originally published in February 1994